Emma Sie, My Mental Illness, C6

Emma Sie, C6

My Mental Illness

2014.09.19

As you can see, I am a normal girl with nothing special. Except that I have an extremely round face, everything about me looks ordinary. But to tell the truth, I suffered from a mental illness when I was little. It was not until recently that I finally recovered completely.

When I was little, I looked like a delicate doll. My relatives and neighbors loved me dearly. I was an outgoing and clean girl. My frank and childlike speech always made my aunts laugh heartily.

When I was in the second grade of elementary school, I gained weight. I looked a little bit chubby. The male classmates made fun at my figure, and used many creative but hurting words to describe me as a fat girl. They gave me nicknames, like elephant, pig, or dinosaur girl. They even composed a song to describe my face and figure. I was painful to hear that. Once I surfed online to read a male classmate’s blog. At first I was happy that my name appeared on his blog. But later on, in the following sentences I found that he said, ‘’Tien-Ai Sie is a huge dinosaur girl.’’ It was as if lightning and storm broke in my mind. I felt heartache and miserable.

And do you think that’s it? No. It’s not the end of the terrible experiences. The summit of the humiliation and embarrassment came during the Chinese New Year. I dressed beautifully to my grandma’s house to celebrate the Chinese New Year. When I stepped into the house, each one of my relatives looked astonished, and they told me in a high pitch, ‘’Oh! You have gained weight! You become so fat.’’ One of my uncles even said that I became ugly. To make matters even worse, they constantly told my elder sister that she was so pretty and lovable. At that moment, I really wanted to leave the house to hide, and prevent anyone from finding me.
In the evening of that day, we had the family reunion dinner. Because I really wanted to leave, I ate little and said I had had enough. However, my aunts didn’t allow me to leave. They thought it was impossible that I ate so little and felt full already. As they persuaded me to eat more, I couldn’t help but burst out crying and ran out of the dining room.

From then on, I hated every single person that had ridiculed my appearance, and determined to lose weight to let all of them that had made joke on me be surprised and feel regret to laugh at me. I tried countless methods to lose weight, but failed. Finally, I lost weight by taking restricted amount of food. Now I come to think that seeing losing weight to become prettier as revenge was not mature idea actually.
Even after I successfully lost weight, I always thought that I wasn’t slim enough. I had the illusion that others were still laughing at my figure, considering I was ugly. I was painful and depressed to pursue a forever-unsatisfying goal. I remember once I bought breakfast. I ordered a sandwich without mayonnaise. However, the worker forgot to avoid adding it. When I saw my sandwich having a layer of greasy mayonnaise, I went mad, screamed angrily, and twisted the sandwich with hatred. As I calmed down, I realized that I had gotten an illness which I called it, Fat Anxiety.

I spent years to recover. You may wonder what the medicine of this illness is. Well, the answers are constant self-reflection and forgiveness.

Constant self-reflection assist me to sense that maybe I misunderstand or exaggerate others reaction or evaluation, and help me try to think in others’ shoes. And it is only when I try to understand others can I try to forgive. Only when I choose to forgive can I really save myself from the Fat Anxiety jail. Forgiveness lets us put aside those emotions that hurt ourselves like hatred and anger.

Whenever recalling that memory, I don’t have bad emotions anymore; instead, I think it’s special and impressed experience. I even thank for it, because it makes me understand myself more and make me stronger. I realize that not only beautiful appearance, but also kind heart and wisdom make us fascinating and adorable.
At last, I’d like to say, mental illness cannot be cured by outside change. Only when we try to reflect ourselves and put aside bad emotions, can we really recover from it.

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