Unhappiness is everywhere as long as you have some close friends who would share their daily life with you and I believe you can always make them smile again. But when it comes to be deep sorrow, it’s not that easy anymore. Now please think about the following question with me together: “What would you do to comfort a crying friend who had just lost his girlfriend tragically or had lost his dear mother?”
Before you finish constructing your own answers, I’d like to display the most common pattern of dialogues with you first.
Time point 1: Around the moment the tragedy happened, you find your friend crying hard, you may say:
“Oh~ What a tragedy~ How could that happened on you~ I know it’s really an unacceptable fact, but don’t cry~ If you need any help, please call me at any time and please take care of yourself! ”
Time point 2: One month later when you find your friend still crying for that event, you may say:
“Don’t cry, friend! There are always other nice girls around the world! Try to forget her, you worth a better one! ” OR “Do not cry anymore, friend. The dying of your mother is already a fact, she wouldn’t come back. Try to restrain your grief and accept the change! ”
Time point 3: Half an year later when you find your friend hasn’t recovered from his grief and his life has become a mass! You may say:
“Come on, friend. Look at your work, your health and your life! You should care more about yourself and not feel that sorrowful anymore. Be brave! Go out from the sorrow and back to the public! ”
Time point 4: One year later when you find him become worse and whatever you do for him are all in vain, this time you may only want to talk to yourself:
“(sign)He is so defeated that no one can rescue him! I had done whatever I could do for him throughout this whole year, but all my devotions are eventually in vain! He is over-frustrated! Since he still fails to see the bright side, there is nothing that I can help him now. ”
In the end of this dialogue, I want to ask you other two questions:
“In your mind, how long should a person clean up (wipe off) his sorrow?”
“Or, is sorrow really needed to be cleaned?”
If you make a summary from these dialogues, you’ll find the main purpose for the consolation is to ask you back to normal as soon as possible.
But here, the definition of “normal” frustrated these two people.
In our society, pause, stop and obstruction are closely related to no growth or failure. We anticipate facing the successful and brilliant sides, quarantining the loneliness, hopeless and failure. We pursue efficiency to solve any problem and hope the results are worth our paying. We may well survive in our occupations because of the efficiency and positive attitudes, but this make it hard to “solve” one kind of problem—“solve” some strong emotions such as sorrow.
We hope our friends could efficiently be comforted by our encouraging words, quickly clean up their sorrow and appreciating our devotions. But once they fail to perform as what we expect, we would quickly give up because their long-term frustration seems to make our devotions in vain. On another side, those who suffered from sorrow are also hopeless. They hope they can recover as soon as possible to appreciate our worry about them. But sometimes they just fail to do that within a short period. In order to avoid looking abnormal, they cannot but to conceal their sorrow deeply in mind. Pretend that they had put it down; pretend that they are as normal as you. Finally, few people want to deal with sorrow anymore, and few ones want to express their sorrow.
That is because we didn’t understand sorrow need not be solved, cleaned and removed, but need be experienced, gone through. Tragedy and sorrow would stay forever, but as long as we well gone through it, we can make it not so painful.
So, please allow yourself to feel sorrow! You are the only one knowing how hurt for you to lose such an important person in your life! On the road of recovering, you have your own pace, you need “enough” time to finish the work of life and you are also the only one knowing how many time is truly “enough” for you, not the criteria set by the society. Sorrow cannot be rudely covered and concealed. Only if you carefully and patiently treat it and go through it, can you comfort sorrow completely.
At the same time, please do not complain about the misunderstanding from your friends. You can still receive their love but please bravely follow your own pace. Remember: It’s your own life work! Please allow yourself to feel sorrow and express sorrow when you need. You don’t need to pretend happy unless your wound is finally not hurt anymore!